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You know you’re a rockhound if:
• You prefer baryte roses to real ones
• Your dream holiday destination is Coober Pedy or Far North Queensland
• Your garage is so full of rocks that the car won’t fit in
• You bring back “interesting specimens”, even the miscellaneous ones, on your travels
• You’ve ever sorted through a mullock heap
• You colour co-ordinate your clothes to match your pendants
• You dream of all the gems you don’t own yet

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Two women are out fossicking. The first woman says, “Did you see that?”
“No,” the second woman says.
“Well, there’s something glinting over there in that cliff,” the first woman says.
“Oh,” says the second woman.
A couple of minutes later, The first woman says, “Did you see that?”
“See what?” the second woman asks.
“Are you blind? There was a mine shaft beside the path back there.”
“Oh.”
A few minutes later the first woman says: “Did you see that?”
By now, the second woman is getting aggravated, so she says, “Yes, I did!”
And the first woman says: “Then why did you step in it?”

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Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry?
He wanted to get a little boulder.

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DEDICATED LAPIDARIANS
Total immersion lapidarians

Total immersion lapidarians: Are you totally obsessed with minerals and gemstones? If so, then you are a total immersion lapidarist. Here are the ten warning signs:

1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of lapidary, as in:
“What did you think of that footy game last night?”
“I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? VGCA?”

3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

4. You like rock music only because it’s called “rock” music.

5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you’re parked on.

7. You name your children after rocks and minerals.

8. You’re not sure if you have children.

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A couple of fossickers are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 000. He gasps to the operator, “I think George is dead! What should I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line, “Okay now what?“

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What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I Lava You!

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Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?

“Well, I see thousands of stars.”

“And what does that mean to you?”

“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”

“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.”

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What did Mr. Rabbit give Mrs. Rabbit?
A 14 Carrot Gold Ring

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A man took his elderly father to a lapidary club to check it out. He sat his father down on a plastic chair in the main room and went to talk with the workshop instructor. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. Joy came by and said, “Let me help you.” She moved a table to the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. The old man started to tilt slowly to the right. John noticed and put several buckets filled with rocks on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when the workshop officer came by and piled a stack of magazines in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

“Well, Dad, isn’t this a nice place.”

The old man replied, “I guess it’s ok, but they won’t let me fart.”

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A LAPIDARIAN:

1. You have ever had to respond “yes” to the question, “What have you got in here, rocks?”

2. You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over “roads” that were intended only for cattle.

3. You have ever found yourself explaining to airport security that a rock hammer isn’t really a weapon.

4. Your rock garden is located inside your house.

5. You have ever hung a picture using a Brunton as a level, and your rock hammer as your hammer.

6. Your collection of beer cans and/or bottles rivals the size of your rock collection.

7. You consider a “recent event” to be anything that has happened in the last hundred thousand years.

8. Your photos include people only for scale and you have more pictures of your rock hammer and lens cap than of your family.

9. You have ever been on a field trip that included scheduled stops at a gravel pit and/or a mullock heap.

And the #1 sign you might be a lapidarian.....
10. You have ever uttered the phrase “have you tried licking it” with no sexual connotations involved.

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Q: Where do pebbles grow up?
A: In the rockery!

Q: Where do rocks sleep?
A: Bedrock.

Q: Why did the prospector throw his ore samples away?
A: He took them for granite.

Q: Why did the prospector take a bath with his rock samples?
A: Because they were soapstone.

Q: Why did the prospector make his mother carry his ore samples?
A: He thought it was the mother lode.

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John pulled into a little town where every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded to a hotel manager. “Or just a bed - I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired traveller assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning, John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. When asked about how he slept, he replied, “Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope. I shut him up in no time.”

“How’d you manage that?”

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful.’ With that he sat up all night watching me.”

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Zen Moments

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

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An American lady entered a jeweller’s and said “You sold my husband a diamond ring yesterday but it’s the wrong size”.

“No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily”.

“Oh, you don’t understand, you sold him a five carat size, and I take a ten carat size”

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Q. Where do you find the President of the jewelry company?
A. He’s the one in the Opal Office.

Q. What did the jeweler say to the alien?
A. I have something for all your lobes.

Q. Why did the aquamarine replace the bloodstone?
A. People were tired of seeing all of those bloody spots.

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Two men go on a fossicking trip.

They buy all the equipment: the Miners Right, the gold detectors, the Blundstone boots, the maps, the 4WD, and even a two-man tent.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fossicking, but they don’t find anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men finds a geode.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy geode we found cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t find any more!”

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What’s the difference between an ear ring and a nose ring?
S’not much.

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In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened:

Reporter: Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.BrowN: He does.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs.Brown: No he isn’t.
Reporter: I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter: Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown: I’m afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter: Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown: No, it is quite handy.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown: Almost ten months.
Reporter: Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown: He thought he was.
Reporter: Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown: It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter: Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter: Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown: No, but quite near it.
Reporter: Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter: Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter: Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown: I do my level best.
Reporter: do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown: No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter: Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: Certainly.

She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very fast.


Submitted by Jennie Harvie

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These jokes were found in many places on the internet and modified and were also submitted by various people. Essendon Gem & Lapidary Club Inc does not own or copyright these jokes and has published them as an amusement for lapidary hobbyists. Thankyou to all contributors.